Airport and In-Flight Etiquette #2: Cautions for First-Time Fliers.
This edition of Airport and In-flight Etiquette takes the form of a response to a letter from a reader. Every day, I’m feeling more like Miss Manners over at the Washington Post (Hi, Jude, How’s it hanging?)
“Hortence” of Salt Lake City, Utah Writes:
Dear Mr. Ostroznik,
I think your new column Airport and In-Flight Etiquette has the makings of a blogging institution. I have a question that perhaps you can answer. Recently I was befriended by a bunch of newly divorced women in the piano bar at SLC Airport and while we had very little in common, apart from their ex-husband, the girls have started to look to me as their “guide” to a fresh new world away from domestic servitude. Recently they met a man online, eskimoby69, from Cordova Alaska and they’d like to fly to meet him as part of their “Blossoming into the 21st Century Program”. They’re very committed to seeing his pet sperm whale and all those penguins, but they’ve never flown before. How should I prepare these first time fliers for the rigors Commercial Air Travel? VTY. I’ve included my picture.
My Reply:
Dear Ho’,
Thank you for your kind comments about the new feature on my blog, it's getting more hits than my Airport TV column. Unfortunately I can’t include your picture with this post. Modesty forbids, besides your face is tantalizingly obscured by your ankle. To answer your question. What’s done is haste is never really truly paid for, I often say, and so I approach my answer. Many readers might be shocked to hear that in today’s day and age some humans haven’t yet experienced the, well, experience, of, well, experiencing commercial jet aviation as provided by the companies proffering themselves as purveyors of such an experience. And I’m not just talking about them folks who make chairs in Pennsylvania or Wolf Blitzer, who never seems to go anywhere since that pepper-haired rascal took over the fan mail flagship at CNN. There’s also a slew of smart people out there who did some research and realized it’s cheaper, and sometimes faster, to track down, purchase, gas up, and drive yourself from SLC to Cordova in a restored WWII Sherman Tank than to buy a plane ticket. Then there’s the outright cowards, people with legitimate notes from their Mom, and like your friends almost became, the forewarned, those reluctant to experience, well, the experience.
In the spirit of helping the girls, and eskimoby69, with their project, I beg you to let the newly-freed doves learn the truth themselves.
My Advice: On no account divulge that:
- A commercial flight from SLC to Anchorage, AK is only slightly less comfortable than being stuck in an elevator for 6 hours with 150 smokers going Cold Turkey. Some all too human “kinks” will inevitably surface.
- If the girls fly economy, - likely, since they couldn’t have been legally married to your boyfriend and probably won’t get a lot out of octopus man’s holdings - they’ll spend the aforementioned 6 hours with their knees up around their ears – There ought to be enough of that going when they reach Cordova anyway!
- Babies will wail (the subject of the next Airport and In-Flight Etiquette Article)
- Strangers will sit by you making “sniffing” sounds.
- “Trail Mix” is neither animal mineral nor vegetable and carbonated drinks served (sometimes) in-flight bear little resemblance to the brand printed on the outside of those little cans.
- Then there’s them pills you can take. Don’t mention air-sickness. For the uninitiated it conjures up images of bile soaked gangways and gray-looking folks with heads heaving out of window. Not having flown before they won't know that airplane windows are sealed shut to prevent just such displays. They’ll never get to see their sperm whale or penguins if you put that picture in their heads.
You may however like to print off a copy of the first article in this series – Airport and In-Flight Etiquette - What Not to Do. It might prove useful.
In Conclusion, and after some deep consideration, my best advice is to send the ex-husband/boyfriend to see the penguins and the sperm whale, and when the jet leaves for purer pastures with its barfing, sniffing, wailing, jonesing collection of fliers, you girls book yourselves into the Residence Inn Salt Lake City Airport! (the nearest hotel to SLC Airport - You could walk). If my recolection of Salt Lake City serves me correctly - I was there for the World Superbike Event at Miller Motorsports Park in nearby Tooele, earlier this year ( I think) - and because I'm not completely sure, I am positive that the ensuing party should really get their flaps up! Salt Lake City rocks! PS. Is it me, or is that tattoo vaguely familiar?
Godspeed on all your travel adventures, Cvetko Ostroznik.
Related Links:
- Find Hotels near Airports in Alaska including Hotels near Anchorage Ted Stevens International Airport (ANC) + Downtown Anchorage (sorry there are no available Hotels in my inventory for Cordova.)
- Find Hotels near Airports in Utah including SLC Airport Hotels + Downtown Salt Lake City Hotels
- Research prices on Flights, Rental Cars, and shop for the Cheapest Travel (if you really must) at my Online Travel Store.
Comments, as well as suggestions for first time fliers, are welcome, but will be moderated.
Don't believe the hype...
