Airport and In-Flight Etiquette #2: Cautions for First-Time Fliers.
This edition of Airport and In-flight Etiquette takes the form of a response to a letter from a reader. Every day, I’m feeling more like Miss Manners over at the Washington Post (Hi, Jude, How’s it hanging?)
“Hortence” of Salt Lake City, Utah Writes:
Dear Mr. Ostroznik,
I think your new column Airport and In-Flight Etiquette has the makings of a blogging institution. I have a question that perhaps you can answer. Recently I was befriended by a bunch of newly divorced women in the piano bar at SLC Airport and while we had very little in common, apart from their ex-husband, the girls have started to look to me as their “guide” to a fresh new world away from domestic servitude. Recently they met a man online, eskimoby69, from Cordova Alaska and they’d like to fly to meet him as part of their “Blossoming into the 21st Century Program”. They’re very committed to seeing his pet sperm whale and all those penguins, but they’ve never flown before. How should I prepare these first time fliers for the rigors Commercial Air Travel? VTY. I’ve included my picture.
My Reply:
Dear Ho’,
Thank you for your kind comments about the new feature on my blog, it's getting more hits than my Airport TV column. Unfortunately I can’t include your picture with this post. Modesty forbids, besides your face is tantalizingly obscured by your ankle. To answer your question. What’s done is haste is never really truly paid for, I often say, and so I approach my answer. Many readers might be shocked to hear that in today’s day and age some humans haven’t yet experienced the, well, experience, of, well, experiencing commercial jet aviation as provided by the companies proffering themselves as purveyors of such an experience. And I’m not just talking about them folks who make chairs in Pennsylvania or Wolf Blitzer, who never seems to go anywhere since that pepper-haired rascal took over the fan mail flagship at CNN. There’s also a slew of smart people out there who did some research and realized it’s cheaper, and sometimes faster, to track down, purchase, gas up, and drive yourself from SLC to Cordova in a restored WWII Sherman Tank than to buy a plane ticket. Then there’s the outright cowards, people with legitimate notes from their Mom, and like your friends almost became, the forewarned, those reluctant to experience, well, the experience.
In the spirit of helping the girls, and eskimoby69, with their project, I beg you to let the newly-freed doves learn the truth themselves.
My Advice: On no account divulge that:
- A commercial flight from SLC to Anchorage, AK is only slightly less comfortable than being stuck in an elevator for 6 hours with 150 smokers going Cold Turkey. Some all too human “kinks” will inevitably surface.
- If the girls fly economy, - likely, since they couldn’t have been legally married to your boyfriend and probably won’t get a lot out of octopus man’s holdings - they’ll spend the aforementioned 6 hours with their knees up around their ears – There ought to be enough of that going when they reach Cordova anyway!
- Babies will wail (the subject of the next Airport and In-Flight Etiquette Article)
- Strangers will sit by you making “sniffing” sounds.
- “Trail Mix” is neither animal mineral nor vegetable and carbonated drinks served (sometimes) in-flight bear little resemblance to the brand printed on the outside of those little cans.
- Then there’s them pills you can take. Don’t mention air-sickness. For the uninitiated it conjures up images of bile soaked gangways and gray-looking folks with heads heaving out of window. Not having flown before they won't know that airplane windows are sealed shut to prevent just such displays. They’ll never get to see their sperm whale or penguins if you put that picture in their heads.
You may however like to print off a copy of the first article in this series – Airport and In-Flight Etiquette - What Not to Do. It might prove useful.
In Conclusion, and after some deep consideration, my best advice is to send the ex-husband/boyfriend to see the penguins and the sperm whale, and when the jet leaves for purer pastures with its barfing, sniffing, wailing, jonesing collection of fliers, you girls book yourselves into the Residence Inn Salt Lake City Airport! (the nearest hotel to SLC Airport - You could walk). If my recolection of Salt Lake City serves me correctly - I was there for the World Superbike Event at Miller Motorsports Park in nearby Tooele, earlier this year ( I think) - and because I'm not completely sure, I am positive that the ensuing party should really get their flaps up! Salt Lake City rocks! PS. Is it me, or is that tattoo vaguely familiar?
Godspeed on all your travel adventures, Cvetko Ostroznik.
Related Links:
- Find Hotels near Airports in Alaska including Hotels near Anchorage Ted Stevens International Airport (ANC) + Downtown Anchorage (sorry there are no available Hotels in my inventory for Cordova.)
- Find Hotels near Airports in Utah including SLC Airport Hotels + Downtown Salt Lake City Hotels
- Research prices on Flights, Rental Cars, and shop for the Cheapest Travel (if you really must) at my Online Travel Store.
Comments, as well as suggestions for first time fliers, are welcome, but will be moderated.
Don't believe the hype...
2 comments:
Dear Mr. Ostroznik:
Mak, here, from a Northwest hub city. Long time reader. First time blog responder. Love your stuff, man.
All of your advice to “Horton Helps Some Ho’s” was spot on prescient as usual. However, I believe you might be remiss in not giving a first-time flyer some pointers on proper seat selection. This is especially true now that many airlines have begun upcharging for their more desirable seats.
Of course a more desirable seat in a commercial airplane is akin to a nicer cot at Auschwitz. But then again, everything is relative (especially if you are from Alabama). Thank you, I’ll be here all week.
Anyway, as far as preferred seating is concerned, here’s my input…
- The aisle seat is preferable for those who enjoy more leg room. Leg, of course, being singular, as this seat only allows you the opportunity to partially straighten the leg on the aisle side. The other leg must remain carefully retracted, like a newborn’s testicle, far up inside your torso. If you have asymmetric cramping (and who doesn’t), these seats are worth their weight in quinine (a holistic cure for cramping -- asymmetric, symmetric or otherwise). However, be warned that at least twice per flight, the sadistic cabin crew will run down the aisle pushing the stainless steel appendage removal cube. This 3-dimensional guillotine will indiscriminately remove all arms, legs, children (not all bad), and anything else that dares to extend out into the aisle. The only warning you will get is a static-y, unintelligible announcement about “beverage service” seconds before the shearing commences.
- The window seat is preferable for those who, in their childlike innocence, are eager to visually follow the progress of the flight. Pilots hate being monitored like this, as it tends to kill the buzz they worked hard to get at the skybar before takeoff. They will intentionally fly into clouds to obstruct your view. At this point, the view is nothing more than a blanked out cloud of impenetrable fog similar to a Method Man concert. Therefore, the window seat has no advantage whatsoever. Although, since it is molded directly into the curved part of the plane’s fuselage, it does allow you the opportunity to experience what it feels like to be pressed like feta cheese into a pasta shell. Airline air quality being what it is, the smell is remarkably similar too.
- The middle seat is for those who like to be pressed tightly against two complete strangers. Granted, there are websites devoted to this, but you will need a credit card to enter them. Since Americans are notoriously overweight, the middle seat typically involves great pressure, a conversation about blood sugar, and direct contact with a considerable layer of sweat. The middle seat is for perverts. If you are stuck in a middle seat, wait for the beverage service announcement and then fling yourself into the aisle.
- Special Seating. All planes have special seats that are curiously coveted because they tend to offer up to 0.7 cubic inches of additional space. Unfortunately, they all have considerable drawbacks, which I have detailed below.
o First Seat/Front Seat: There is no front seat pocket to place your gum, or bits of sick that you choke up when you get your first whiff of the aforementioned, feta like, airplane air. Do not underestimate the value of that seat pocket.
o Rear Seat: You do not have the ability to recline your chair the luxurious 1.4 degrees all the other patrons enjoy. There is no physical relief offered by this degree of reclining, but the inability to do so will drive you mad with envy and send you spiraling down a chasm of airline-passenger hating mental illness that will culminate in you being hired as a flight attendant.
o Emergency Row Seating: These seats are considerably larger than other domestic seats, but you have to endure the pre-flight, personalized instruction on your responsibilities should the emergency row become very popular during the flight (or, more likely, at the abrupt end of said flight). This personalized instruction is performed inches from your face from a flight attendant trainee who was, just 3 weeks earlier, a rear set passenger (see above). Demeanor aside, imagine the breath of someone whose career demands they breathe recycled feta air all day. These seats should just be filled in with cement.
o First-Class/Business Class: There is no such thing.
Mak, Thanks for your comments regarding this post and your insightful tips about seat selection on commercial flights. Very very funny.
Next time I fly anywhere, I want to sit next to you.
Godspeed, Cvetko Ostroznik
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