Airport and In-Flight Etiquette #3: Airport Idiots & Books as Social Accessory, Date Bait, or Shark Repellant
Welcome to another episode of Airport and In-Flight Etiquette:
They say “Every village has an idiot”. Well every airport, as I see it, from bitter experience, let me tell you, has a dozen or more morons roaming their terminal at any given moment, and most of these hapless moths seem invariably drawn to the flame that is ME!!!. They are the reason book stands still exist, despite Bill and Steve’s best efforts to eradicate literature. You cannot stare at your laptop or iPod and hope these idiots will go away. They will stare with you, waiting to see if you’re really working, ready to suggest the next move in solitaire, or desperate to know what songs are on your playlist.
Show Them You Don’t Care. Say it with Literature:
Here are some suggested book titles, that might make you a little more worldly, while keeping fools from eating up your quality layover time:- The Illiad of Homer – Guaranteed to keep the lowbrow away. If, however, the person interrupting has read this tome, you might even stand the chance of a decent conversation during the interruption. Let your guard down.
- Ulysses – James Joyce – if the interrupter knows what’s good for them they’ll know if you’re over 20 and actually reading a well thumbed copy of the “Yule Log” as we used to call it in College, you’re likely a very intense human being and not worth messing with.
- The Bible, Various Artists – This will keep 99% of idiots out of your hair. Chances are they’ve been bitten before. If you are serious about reading the Good Book and not just using it as a beard, my tip is to skip the begetting bit and start at Chapter 2. Who knows you might pick up some virtue and patience, all necessary for the modern air traveler. If you’re really serious about reading the Good Book, then chances are the interrupter will in this case share with you some vague agreement, from which an interesting, diverting, and maybe even feisty, exchange of opinions might ensue. At least you won’t be harangued by someone intent on converting you.
- The Myth of Sisyphus - Albert Camus. Fools will misread the title, read too much into the misreading, and leave you a good seat or two either side so you can be good and alone to read something really interesting – or nap.
These books will bring comments from interlopers. Without doubt. But will they be from desirable commentators?
- The Art of War – Sun Tzu No one’s read the damn thing, but everyone has an opinion. You think I’m just kidding. I have real experience. Once I met an American Submarine Salesman on the train from Milan Malpensa (he took the pic above). I was on my way to the Milan Motor Show. He was on his way to sell submarines. (I wonder if there's an affiliate program for that?) He confessed to me, brave one in a million, that while he had the book displayed obviously on his shelf back at the office, he hadn’t actually sat down and read it. Always wanted to, but hadn't. He went on to tell me that he felt ok though, because he’d seen the movie, which he swore up and down was “that foreign film 300”. (the film with the wooden woman. (movie still) Is it just me or was the "stay at home mom" in that movie a storefront mannequin warmed up and dragged away from her cell phone long enough to stand and stand?). A.S.S. wasn’t about to go away, so I did my best, and I think I actually convinced him, finally, that the real adaptation of the ancient rubric, was the sinister, monumentally underhanded and sadistically cynical “Talladega Nights”.
- Anything by Shakespeare – it’s bound to start one of those “I’ve never understood that stuff but I played the Bosun in the School Production of The Tempest” conversations – which in itself is an ominous start to any human exchange.
- Suggestions and past life experience encouraged...
Let’s turn this upside down. It’s no fun for me if I don’t.
But perhaps you’re looking to pick up, I mean, attract interesting people at gate 52, when your flight leaves at Gate 53 tomorrow afternoon. Tip: Never “meet” people at the gate that’s taking you home, it can get icky. You might be an adolescent boy, looking to lose “it” in the cosmopolitan jet-set world of airports and flying buses (Tip: Freaky Chicks -the good kind of Freeeeeeky - dig guys who read), or you might be a serial killer headed for News Network celebrity, or you just might be a lonely flight attendant in a strange town with a spare dinner voucher.
Since I’m writing about good manners, and you're probably wondering, and you're not one of those but-in pain in the a$$ types, I advise that choosing the right book to wave around the departure gate can clearly and subtly scream out, “Take me, fellow nicher, I’m yours!” .
Here are some suggested titles and the type of fish they might "ketch" you.
- Any book with a picture of John Lennon looking “peaceful” on the cover with the word “Imagine” in the title or tag, will snag you a dreamer, someone with more anticipation than real world chops. A little disappointing, but if you’re more into meeting than greeting it might be the strategy for you.
- Any book combining the word “Implementation” with current geek words (XMLS, Pharaoh, Gemini, Tarot, Beelzebub) will get you a hot and ready, but underemployed tech-type respondent. You know a recent grad of some halfway-house student-loan-mill-tech-skhule. They’ll give you their number, impress upon you how rich you’ll make them when you hook ‘em up with a real job, and then spill the beans on stuff you really need to know but don’t have the patience to learn yourself. These people harbor a sneaking, but very real fear, that what they learned yesterday was out of date last week, but their a little further ahead of the curve than you and hence offer some history to keep you up. Kind of like scanning the front page of CNN.com every 3 weeks to find out what the Real Housewives of Network News are making us mutter about. Useful use of what might otherwise be down time. OK, I’m a wolf, but if I’m getting ripped off on my travels, I may as well have some benefit from the inevitable encroachment on my space. Sky’s the limit with these folks.
- A book about the topic of your personal blog – knitting, muffin baking, baby making, banana bending, the history coffee beans, whatever - If you’re not completely sullied by the modern world and still like the potential for longevity (even if you know it’s but a whispering dream) in your airport tryst, you’ll do well to bait on your tackle this way. It might take a while to catch, the big one, another lonesome traveler on this journey though life, but you might just find yourself a keeper, or at least someone you exchange email spam with for a while. An alternate, and, on reflection, probably preferable and more valuable twist on this idea is to carry a notebook (not the Wi-Fi type) and actually write something yourself. The interrupter really has to have their ducks in a row to make small talk while you’re practicing the ancient and almost forgotten art of scribbling.
- Anything by Jackie Collins. You’re screaming, I’m my own worst enemy and my own best company tonight.
- Idiot’s Guide to… (fill in the blank). Not a good look if you’re looking to impress. In fact I’m sure more copies of this series are hidden under mattresses around the world, than the stick books of yo daddy’s day.
The future of Airport Reading as an Attract / Repel Tool.
In retirement I plan to write a couple of sure fire, attract the right kind of interruption books. Here are a few of the sure-fire conversation starter titles I have in mind. Please don’t rip me off:
- The Procurement and Best Use of Hotels near the Airport
- How I got invited to every hotel opening party on the planet between 1994 and 2010
- What’s That Your Reading? Literature as Date Bait & Shark Repellent – A Sociological Study
- More Luck than Brains: The Unauthorized Biography of Quentin Tarantino
In Conclusion:
Of course, even if you still remember how to read – it’s not like riding a bike at all - please don’t try to actually read any of these suggested titles. This is about tastefully and tactfully accessorizing your travels. Knee High by 4th of July, Don’t Wear White after Labor Day. Stuff like that. You just carry it around like your Louis Vuitton luggage and hope people notice and draw near, or, in some cases, run the other way.
If you’ve got an airport idiot story to tell, I’d love to hear it. Comments are welcome, but moderated.
Godspeed on all your travel adventures, Cvetko Ostroznik
Past Episodes of Airports and In-Flight Etiquette:
#2: Cautions for First Time Fliers and the very funny seat selection tips by an anonymous contributor.
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