Airport TV Million Dollar Pitch

Airport TV Suggestions - the Million Dollar Pitch

This skit forms part of my series Airport TV - some suggestions

Where I grew up, under the main flight path of LAX - and folks wonder why I'm jumpy - you quickly learned that criticism only gets you as far as Film School. You know, FILM SCHOOL, where all the guys look like girls and all the girls look like Woody Allen.

So rather than rail about the current state of Television, my fine upbringing in the mean streets of Inglewood, CA tells me to suggest rather than detest, to schmooze rather than bruise, to create rather than berate, and that royalties come to those who ask for them first. So in that spirit, here goes the pitch for in-house produced Airport TV programming in line with anything that Hollywood currently offers:

UNDERPANTS: the reality contest show program thingy

THE PITCH: Airport Security Guards compete against each other in passenger humiliating challenges - for example to see who's best at guessing what color underwear air travelers are wearing. One guard is "deported" each week. The winner is crowned "Sniffer of the year", given a $50,000 grooming truck, a feature spread in Wedgee Magazine, an apprenticeship with Knotted Knickers Corp., and then deported - but to a land of their choice.

THE JEOPARDY: Will passengers "play along" to kill time while waiting in security queues? Who'll win the "quick sniff challenge"? Will Security Personnel master and negotiate new technology? Will the coyest passengers have the freakiest undergarments? Will D-list stars travel more for the chance to be "caught" and exposed?

POTENTIAL HOSTS: Alternately:

1. That guy on American Idol who everyone seems to tell jokes about,
2. An out of work but vaguely recognizable (but not completely funny) comedian,
3. Jorge, the celebrity groomer, from Groomer Has It Series 1.
4. Any Australian or New Zealander wandering the streets of LA looking for a reason not to go home.

POTENTIAL JUDGES:

1. Any one of the Baldwins, the Arquettes, Danny Bonaduce, or that long haired guy on the radio you have to pay to listen to now.
2. Someone vaguely associated with underpants and airports. An instant expert in the field. Calvin Klein, I guess... Suggestions?
3. Me? I'm thinking of putting a rider in the option contract fine print.

THE CATCH-PHRASE: Forget what yo mamma tol' ya, just "clean" don't cut it any more.

COMPS: SIMILAR CRAP PRESUMABLY ATTRACTING SPONSORS AND SHOWING NOW:

• So you think you can guess underpants colors? - I forget what network
• Underpants or No Underpants - I forget, the show with the bald guy and the suitcases.
• Iron Underpants - The Food Network
• Sheer Underpants - Bravo
• Project Underpants - Bravo
• The Next HGTV Underpants Model - HGTV
• The Singing Underpants in the Office Show - with that Spice Girl
• The Real Housewives of Speed TV - aka the F1 Commentary team
• Bones.

FUTURE SERIES THEMES/VARIATIONS: The series has sufficient "legs" to go into numerous seasons, for example Hot Underpants Miami MIA, Underpants O'Hare, and, when its time for the last desperate attempt to save the sagging concept, Underpants Optional - it's Vegas, Baby!

Rather than show the regular TV news and weather blah that is shown on screens across airports in the USA, airports would create their own public access programming, again with an emphasis on visuals rather than talk. The "best of" clips these would be packaged into a show called "America's Funniest Airport Security Screening Moments" and make it onto flatscreens across the nation, into indefinite Ad nauseam syndication, AND sold as iPod downloads.

This one is definitely copyright. I can't wait to see what kind of ads googleads shows on this page! Don't just sit there book an airport hotel for goodness sake - I can't work any harder than this!

Godspeed on all your travel adventures, Cvetko Ostroznik.

Comments welcome, but moderated.

For Example, Joe Blow (hmmmm).... also from Los Angeles offers the following suggestions:

Underwear Realty TV Concept - Miscellany

• There’s got to be a subtle but subversive background soundtrack. Obviously, the theme to “Leave it to Beaver” comes to mind, as well as “Petticoat Junction.” (Ed: I'm thinking "Green Onions")
• If memory serves, Pam Dawber (aka: not Mork) was a spokesperson for Underalls, the panty line reducing undergarment. This gives her incredible cachet as a potential judge. I’m guessing she probably works pretty cheaply too.
• I think anyone caught sans briefs should be immediately labeled as a TSA threat for leaving their package unattended. A snazzy graphic could stamp over the screen and an ominous chord could play.
• I think the over-used but still mildly amusing guy from Queer Eye (Ed: You mean Underpants Eye for the Straight Guy, don't you?) should be utilized for his snarky fashion comments. In the event he is not available, David Spade probably is.
• I think transportation for guest hosts should be provided by Qantas, as they service the land down under. Additionally, I think the entire tagline should be re-referred to as "Underpantsportation".