tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5441691746210473618.post1729071129262475090..comments2008-07-14T15:35:16.180-04:00hotels near the airporthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03184173576006045126noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5441691746210473618.post-37368702711564243712008-07-14T15:34:00.000-04:002008-07-14T15:34:00.000-04:00Mak, Thanks for your comments regarding this post and your insightful <B>tips about seat selection on commercial flights</B>. Very very funny. <BR/><BR/>Next time I fly anywhere, I want to sit next to you. <BR/><BR/>Godspeed, Cvetko Ostroznikhotels near the airporthttp://blog.hotelsneartheairport.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5441691746210473618.post-34808080989558677142008-07-14T13:56:00.000-04:002008-07-14T13:56:00.000-04:00Dear Mr. Ostroznik:<BR/><BR/>Mak, here, from a Northwest hub city. Long time reader. First time blog responder. Love your stuff, man.<BR/><BR/>All of your advice to “Horton Helps Some Ho’s” was spot on prescient as usual. However, I believe you might be remiss in not giving a first-time flyer some pointers on proper seat selection. This is especially true now that many airlines have begun upcharging for their more desirable seats. <BR/><BR/>Of course a more desirable seat in a commercial airplane is akin to a nicer cot at Auschwitz. But then again, everything is relative (especially if you are from Alabama). Thank you, I’ll be here all week.<BR/><BR/>Anyway, as far as preferred seating is concerned, here’s my input…<BR/><BR/>- The aisle seat is preferable for those who enjoy more leg room. Leg, of course, being singular, as this seat only allows you the opportunity to partially straighten the leg on the aisle side. The other leg must remain carefully retracted, like a newborn’s testicle, far up inside your torso. If you have asymmetric cramping (and who doesn’t), these seats are worth their weight in quinine (a holistic cure for cramping -- asymmetric, symmetric or otherwise). However, be warned that at least twice per flight, the sadistic cabin crew will run down the aisle pushing the stainless steel appendage removal cube. This 3-dimensional guillotine will indiscriminately remove all arms, legs, children (not all bad), and anything else that dares to extend out into the aisle. The only warning you will get is a static-y, unintelligible announcement about “beverage service” seconds before the shearing commences.<BR/>- The window seat is preferable for those who, in their childlike innocence, are eager to visually follow the progress of the flight. Pilots hate being monitored like this, as it tends to kill the buzz they worked hard to get at the skybar before takeoff. They will intentionally fly into clouds to obstruct your view. At this point, the view is nothing more than a blanked out cloud of impenetrable fog similar to a Method Man concert. Therefore, the window seat has no advantage whatsoever. Although, since it is molded directly into the curved part of the plane’s fuselage, it does allow you the opportunity to experience what it feels like to be pressed like feta cheese into a pasta shell. Airline air quality being what it is, the smell is remarkably similar too.<BR/>- The middle seat is for those who like to be pressed tightly against two complete strangers. Granted, there are websites devoted to this, but you will need a credit card to enter them. Since Americans are notoriously overweight, the middle seat typically involves great pressure, a conversation about blood sugar, and direct contact with a considerable layer of sweat. The middle seat is for perverts. If you are stuck in a middle seat, wait for the beverage service announcement and then fling yourself into the aisle.<BR/>- Special Seating. All planes have special seats that are curiously coveted because they tend to offer up to 0.7 cubic inches of additional space. Unfortunately, they all have considerable drawbacks, which I have detailed below. <BR/>o First Seat/Front Seat: There is no front seat pocket to place your gum, or bits of sick that you choke up when you get your first whiff of the aforementioned, feta like, airplane air. Do not underestimate the value of that seat pocket.<BR/>o Rear Seat: You do not have the ability to recline your chair the luxurious 1.4 degrees all the other patrons enjoy. There is no physical relief offered by this degree of reclining, but the inability to do so will drive you mad with envy and send you spiraling down a chasm of airline-passenger hating mental illness that will culminate in you being hired as a flight attendant.<BR/>o Emergency Row Seating: These seats are considerably larger than other domestic seats, but you have to endure the pre-flight, personalized instruction on your responsibilities should the emergency row become very popular during the flight (or, more likely, at the abrupt end of said flight). This personalized instruction is performed inches from your face from a flight attendant trainee who was, just 3 weeks earlier, a rear set passenger (see above). Demeanor aside, imagine the breath of someone whose career demands they breathe recycled feta air all day. These seats should just be filled in with cement.<BR/>o First-Class/Business Class: There is no such thing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com